I like free money

I was gonna download a free album before writing this, but realized the internet usage was almost at our limit and a CD download would put us over. Curses, foiled again.

And another thing, the word 'realize' has a 'z', just like how it sounds. But my phone's word completion feature ALWAYS spells it with an 's'. They fail.

I was listening to a song today called "Dirty and Left Out" by the Almost. If you haven't heard it, go listen to it on Rhapsody or something. It's got such an aura of confession, humility, and repentance that is hard to get over. "I've been dirtier than you'd want to know," and he incorporates part of a hymn (Jesus, Jesus, There's something about your name, Master, Savior, Jesus). Good song.

The big part of my day was a computer job. Local guy. Turned out great cause I made a ton on it and he wants me to come back at 6-month intervals to do upkeep. He has quite a large number of animals. Even a little parrot that sits on his shoulder when he sits down. How awesome. A little dog and cat that play with each other (and when they fight it's pretty loud but way funny). Two pit bulls that have huge tongues and plenty of saliva to share.. They would sporadically come into the office where I was working and try to get in my lap. I really really like big dogs. Something about how looking into their eyes, you can see both an amazing love and care for you, but also the potential for terror. Simply amazing. I was gonna get Heidi a great dane for her birthday, but apparently she doesn't like them??? (The last Great Dane to hold the world record as tallest living dog was Gibson, who was 3½ feet (107 cm) tall at the withers and 7 feet 1 inch (215.9 cm) on his hind legs. [thats from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Dane] I WANT A BIG DOG :D :D )

Goodness me. Today's interest topic is on originality. I'ma be the first to complain that I'm not good at being creative (I can manipulate stuff, but just not good at original material) So maybe you're like me. The main point is to get involved with your inner artistic expressions. Try to write how you feel, draw something with ink, sculpt, act, have an expressive conversation with a good friend. How does it feel when someone else knows you better than yourself? I find that kinda hard and hurtful. I mean, I know who I am, right? So how can someone notice something about me that I haven't?

Get out of your comfort zone a little bit, and maybe do something you are afraid of. But in all of it, get down to who you are. Look at yourself and say, "Who have I become? What am I now?"

Does that measure what you hoped it would?
What kind of stuff is like, "oops..."?
How does it make you feel to see what you are, or feel what you are, on paper?

This kinda fits with my previous statement about writing in a journal. I still suggest that.

Let this be a time for you to get to some happiness. Maybe draw out your aggression or anger on paper and burn the art and let the anger go with it. Maybe creatively write a joyous melody to sing to someone. Give a thoughtful note to someone. Hug a friend just for the heck of it. Tell someone that you love them.

And have a smile :)

Let today be a happy day

A black cloud hangs over our house

Just heard "No Better" by Sherwood on the Center iPod. I think it speaks volumes to family relations. Talks about a divorce, or at least a separation. Its from the kid's perspective. "I should have seen it coming I guess, you sleeping out on the couch, you on your half of the bed." How terrible is that feeling?

Whether one party is right or wrong is beyond the point here. In "Captivating" Stasi talks about the disruption a separation can have on a girl's emotional status. It says that even she is not capable to keep the relationship good. It makes her feel valueless. These emotions cascade through her life, causing her problems all through life that are very difficult to fix. Again, if you haven't read it, and you're a woman, please do.

I recently got a new journal. I was simply happy that it was a bound collection of blank pages that was only $4 and looked cool. I never really had much value for a journal, but I've been trying to make use of it (oh, and if you want to know who I *giggles* like.. like, more than a friend.. hehe *giggles*). I would encourage everyone to write in one. Not so you can have your emotions out for everyone to see, but to help you see where you are, and where you were back when. Ever so often I'll peruse my old blogs and see what I was feeling that day, or what concerned my interest, or what I was afraid of. I can see how far I've grown (by both grammar and vocabulary usage AND topics covered) and it encourages me that maybe I'm not perfect now, but it doesn't mean I'm doomed to fail forever.

[I almost burned my head on a candle when trying to get this book] In fact, I just read this morning, "Now, part of a man's fundamental reluctance to truly dive into the world of a woman comes from a man's deepest fear, failure" She goes on to say that men want to help, but only to a certain point. Even in marriage or long-term relationships, there comes a point where they almost say, "I think this is far enough. I'm not going to leave you, so you should be happy with that."

I think it's time for men to really step up to their A-game. When God made the world (up to Adam) He noticed there was just one thing missing to top off creation. It was Eve, the woman in the picture. Such a vitally important part of life. She is not only the only way to reproduce humans, but she has 'Relationship Expert' written on her forehead and an emotional comprehension that men are glad they can't access (let's face it, it's too much for guys)
Let's start fighting for the women. Lets start complimenting them instead of being passive or rude. Treat them with respect and dignity and honor.

And women, accept the compliments. Who cares if you're hair isn't perfect? I thought it was just fine, so smile and be happy you are pretty. Don't abuse our respect and honor. You are lovely creatures, so act like it

_short post_ I never was good at advanced math, only the stuff that mattered

Not sure if you've ever tried to sing when your sick. It's kinda fun. You try to hit that note and its just not gonna happen.

Was going through the songs in my collection that need to be rated (yeah, I'm still not done with it and I started like, 4 months ago? I've added a ton since, too so I'm never gonna finish, but heck..) The one that was next was Israel Houghton. I don't exactly care to listen to much of that all the time, but I think it was rather good therapy. Soothing gospel-style melodies and just a free atmosphere presented in the recording.

And did I mention that Jesus would not live in this cold of a place?

In the course of reading this book (Captivating) I've been learning to appreciate some things about both men and women. If you haven't read it, I would suggest you do (especially if you're a woman. If you're a man, I'd say get Wild at Heart first, and then maybe you can read Captivating [might I add they are by John Eldredge, and Stasi Eldredge])

I posed the question, "What do you feel is the pinnacle, the summation, the goal of your life?" to someone the other day. I'd be interested in hearing from you (the reader) what you think. No wrong answers (but I might pick on you in later blogs! only kidding.. :P) - just add a comment and let me know what you think.

Some examples to prime your pump:
"I think when I have worked long enough and the government says I can retire, that will be the pinnacle of my life"
""I don't think you ever really reach a pinnacle until you die. You are always living, and always serving others until you die"

Death is a stranger with tricks up his sleeves

"No one's gonna find us here. They don't know to look; the rescue is comin"

The other day I was talking to this odious, foul, unfeeling man about our 'agree to disagree' pact on the whole Iraq war. Haha.. It funny cause we have same opinion. And then later that night Rob Bell said, "Can you think of anyone who's just been amazingly, beautifully made?.." and we rekindled our feelings and now are perfectly good friends again. *heart*

Today's order of business has been to successfully open and operate (yes, I spelled that right after 13 tries..) the Center for a few hours, set an appointment with a dude to fix his PC, and apply for as many jobs as I could. I also had time to txt people and read another chapter of "Captivating: Unveiling the Mysteries of a Woman's Soul." Don't judge me. You haven't read it and now you're jealous.

I've been getting 'word of the day's for a few weeks now, and I find them kinda funny (especially the ones from Oxford English Dictionary Online, cause it's mostly words we use everyday with the British usage defined) Today I added dictionary.com's w.o.t.d and also got to play a fun little game! They would give clues and you had to guess the word before your little cave man fell into the water (from guessing incorrectly or taking too long to guess) - which was totally bogus cause it would give clues like (7 letters) "Perspires; of mammals" and the answer is 'sweater' since we always use definitions like that. There was one really annoying one cause even when I saw the answer the clue still made no sense..

Anywho. I've been sick-ish lately. Woke up with a little gaggy throat action and kinda wore it off through the day. I think our house is dry (or at least my mom thinks our house is dry and I say whatever she says is cool)

-----MEAT-----

I had a good talk with dad the other day. I love that phrase "the other day" cause it can stand for any gap of time from then till now. Brilliant. But in our talk dad was instructing me how to appropriately apply for a job and nag them till they're eyes bleed and give you what you want or send you away. In most basic and honest sense: making yourself stand out of the crowd in the most professional way. It means a lot to me to hear his knowledge. He'll say things like, "Half of what I say you won't remember" or "You're probably thinking 'What does dad know?? He's only dad, it's not like he's a genius or anything..'" - It kinda hurts when he thinks that's how I think of him, but I also hurt a little when I find myself in the midst of trying to prove him wrong: to secretly unmask another way that maybe dad was holding out on, or maybe he never learned and I want to be better than him.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to 1-up your dad. What's wrong is circumvention of his will. Isn't it so obvious when you tell someone to do a certain thing and they come back exclaiming they 'accidentally discovered another way' that they never even trusted your first instruction enough to try it out once? That's how it is with dad. Obviously his way worked, so what's wrong with me keeping that as a backup plan in case my theoretically better way doesn't pan out? It's wrong, and I've been through it. Maybe there are some things my dad doesn't know, but it's not for me to test his authority.

I feel so good when I make dad proud. Like, this is my dad, and he's proud of me. Proud of me. Proud of something I did. He put his approval on my work. He condones my efforts. I've grown up, I'm becoming like him, I'm gonna be as awesome or more awesome than my dad, and he likes it.

I don't know how your relationship is with any of your parents, but LIVE IT UP. Make the most of it. No, they aren't just people you HAVE to deal with till you can move out. Be willing to brighten their day

Boxing Day

So Christmas is practically here. I think this year is the most unusual for me. I'm a college student again, and still at home, but so much more involved with things outside of the house. I've practically been adopted by the Capps, and Haley finally likes me enough to let me pick her up (which makes me feel so much better)

I got to thinking about how much it would be impossible to go through life without them from this point. It's kinda like chai. It's just that good.

This time of year tends to have a lot of depression. After Christmas, life is forced back to the same old mundane, hopeless shuffle to pay bills and be HAPPY. Its always too freakin cold and never snows and never enough hours in the day and never enough hours at the job. Taxes. Gah.. It's like life took a second glance at that hot chick passing by and when it faced forward again ran into a pole and fell into a manhole and had to take the sewer home.

Lets not have that happen this year. I want to keep up some hope and faith through these dreary, bleak months. It's not the condition you find yourself in, but the condition you bring to your environment. Make it a point to smile, and not complain (just suck it in and deal; we all have problems and get through them)

As Relient K sings in their song, "Christmas makes way for spring" -Boxing Day

[listen to "Glass of Water" by Coldplay today]

I made a deal with God / Therapy

It's been 1/3 of a year since I've written anything. I thought of it as a break, maybe a recuperation period. And I also thought of it as a fearful time, uncertain that I had value or validity. I'm sticking with the first one, and I made a deal with God that I would write this for today.

Let me start by saying Happy Birthday to my sister, Sarah. I love you :)

One of the least-liked tasks at my house is clearing the yard of the leaves during the fall. This year, as I was taking classes for college and running the Center a lot and being a lazy bum who never went home before 10pm, mom did most of the leaf removal. At one point, she actually hurt herself and couldn't do it anymore. So I thought, "Oh, no big deal, it's not like there's much of the year left" and planned to keep up with them. Somehow that didn't happen (haha, yeah..). This past week there was a lot of precipitation, and thus the leaves HAD to go. I somewhat dreaded the task, mostly cause I didn't have much time for it. My schedule opened up suddenly and I had a whole morning to work on it. And I did. In those moments, where I'm working on the yard or home projects, I get to think a lot and feel a lot. I listen to music. I get lost in another world and the time just flies by. Before I know it, I'm done with my job.

I want to touch on this bit about music. "This is just therapy.. let's call it was it is.. and that makes God the only one who's left here listening." Those are the words to Relient K's "Therapy" - one of the many tracks to come across my ears during this crisp morning leaf extraction. What it really comes down to is the heaviness. I crave something heavy and manly. I want to have a goal, something to live for, and fight to win. The next song, "Storm the Gates of Hell" by Demon Hunter is one of those songs that just make you want to kick some ass. "Raise the lifeless, Dies to fight this, Stand beside me, Storm the gates of hell"

I encourage you to find your therapy. A lot of people get paid to tell you what to do for therapy, and most of the time it's just doing something you would normally not want to do (but really need to do).

On another note, I really love chai. I finally got an Oregon Chai shirt to match my hat. If you drank one cup of chai every day, you would be a happier person.

kthnxbye

In Pieces

Too often we associate or down-play/down-grade love to something less than it's full potential. For example, "I love tacos!" is not equivalent to "I love you, baby!" yet we use the same word. Obviously we understand that the meaning of the phrases aren't comparably similar (and as for the same word, lots of words share spelling and pronunciation but have various meanings which can be derived in the context of the sentence, so that's understood as well), it is implied, though, that 'love' is the height of pleasure, joy, etc..

My beef is that we use it too much. Lets get frugal for about 30 seconds and make up something else. Most people who truely love something more than other things (collectively, their 'love' [reminds me of 'my precious'])devote more time to those, and that is where we get art about or for said 'love', and songs or poetry are written. You rarely hear songs about how much someone is infatuated with a taco unless it's a parody.

But let's push past that. making exceptions for the use of the word 'love' is like making an exception of what you love the most. If you say to your spouse, "I love you!" and then to another woman, "I love you!" you will come away with some confusion and possibly a highly angry spouse. How then does that compare to anything else?

The point behind this is to tighten up on the American slack. We make short-cuts for everything, and defining the things we highly enjoy or like exuberantly is one of those short-cuts. Our language is losing it's value.
______

When I say the word 'love' I (and possibly you) think of the color red, maybe flowers, heart shapes, someone special, romance, etc.. While all of those can remain true (it gives me those thoughts, so thats proof enough that they are all valid expressions) 'love' is still so much more. We are all aware of the 'love' chapter ("Love is patient, love is kind..") and the idea of ultimate sacrifice (Jesus or anyone giving their life for someone else to benefit, in love of course [see, "there is no greater love than for a man to lay down his life for another"])

The element we tend to miss (and sometimes, in church, find inappropriate) is the helping side. What I mean by inappropriate is a little reversed from the definition; let me explain the way it (helping love) should be, then come back.
The honest care for someone's life so much that you make every effort to assure they don't hurt themselves; and when they do hurt themselves, make every effort to help them heal. That is helping love.

More specifically on that: This includes the attitude of love that doesn't lavish with gifts 24/7: this attitude restricts and prevents in the name of love.

I can already see examples of both sides taking that statement too far.

Know this: God likes balance. Both attitudes of love must be exemplified.

Back to the inappropriate thing: this would be things like spreading info (particularly reputation-damaging info) around in order to "guilt" someone out of their sins. This is WRONG. And it's found most, where? In the church.

"Oh, we all need some understanding; we all need love.
..and every time you love, let it lift someone else up.
If somebody tries to burn you, give them your hand and turn and pick him up when he's all alone. And if you find yourself getting frustrated, try not to get too jaded..
So have some faith, you say? And hope will find it's way? .. It seems to me, the greatest of these is love. But it's so hard to love.. "

I was talking with Sarah on the way to the Mae concert (which was pretty good. I happen to highly enjoy Mae at just about every moment of the day) about life. Her's, particularly. She expressed her awkward feelings on current life situations. This really sent me into a thought frenzy. I'll try to recapture (and possibly shorten) my response to her.

It's not up to God or Chance to decide your life path. Obviously God, Chance and Satan have plans for your life already, but it is ultimately up to you. God has the best plan created: He knows every perfect route to take at every moment (Bible time? Jer 29:11 I think.. "I know the plans I have for you... plans to prosper").

Let's zip out of what we know, and start with the freshness of.. existence. Our role as humans is not to let the world happen around us: Evil/negative forces are set on auto-pilot, so we're guaranteed bad stuff happening on its own; but positive forces are up to us (dun dun: not on auto-pilot). It's pretty unfair, I know. Leave the world alone and it will die.

Our role is comparable to the role of an ambassador. Ambassadors go from a 'base' to a 'foreign territory' armed with the power and complete understanding of the [desires] of the 'base'. The Ambassador must be on constant update/communication with the 'base' as to know what to do in every situation in the 'foreign territory'. And then HE DOES IT.

Now our part's analogy: We are the ambassador. The world (all the peoples) are the 'foreign territory' and the Kingdom of God is our 'base'. Yeah, it sounds weird and probably not original, but follow me.
Goal 1: get to 'foreign territory'
Goal 2: understand the [desires] of the 'base'
Goal 3: act on the [desires] of the 'base'

How are we doing?

The world hurts. God's plan is to fix that hurt, using us. We HAVE to learn His mind so we can act on it (remember, He knows every best move)

So what of these [desires] of Chance and Satan? We are NOT here to just let them happen and sit idle: We are to overcome. Be more than conquerors.

Don't wilt, waiting for the future. You are the future. You have the dreams.

I'll finish with this AWESOME quote from the Message

31-39 So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.